Friday, March 02, 2012

Douge2’s Humor Corner – in Honor of the Golf Show this Weekend

Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

Golf Quotes from Bigbrimar

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them
~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par..
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells
[This is a lie or Bigbrimar would be on the Tour!]

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino


Bigbrimar said...

Let's back the golf cart up Faldo,
I did catch both you and Beerhog checking my legs out last year. And I'm thinking that's why Davethedog doesn't play anymore..he can't keep his eye's off them either.

Cigar4John said...

2:30 today - can't believe 4putt is going to skip this so that he and Faldo can take ballroom dancing lessons.

Nik Faldo said...

Bigbrimar, why are the beer cart girls always asking why your legs are anorexic? Just askin'.

And Cigar, Davethedog was at the golf show. He was checking out the Nancy Lopez golf outfits. He was upset when apron and house coat accessories were not available.

Anonymous said...

Faldo, when I'm golfing with you the beer cart girls tell me I'm a good son for spending time with my father.
They also said that you should move up the forward tee's to give you a chance when playing your son.