Friday, October 30, 2009

Faldo Finishes 7th in WPE Tourney

It was filled with 106 other players and Faldo managed to make a final table at the World Poker Exchange site. I won a bunch of coin flip hands to get there.

Then, when I had the advantage at the final table,(As Js) (69%) versus (Ah 4c), a [4] on the flop and a [4] on the turn – did me in.

In the next two tourneys I entered (on Cake Poker), I chased when I should not have – once drawing nearly dead. It was a turbo tourney and that did influence my decision. It never used to, but I am tired of minimum cashing and bubbling.

Here is the second one, in a normal tourney:

I had (Jc Tc) on the button and had called a min raise by the UTG and two calls by middle players.

The flop came down [Qc Ts 9c]. The UTG bet one-third of the pot and the other two players folded. Decision time as a call then fold on the turn would leave me with only 10 BB’s. It’s not death, but it is not good either. The Villain had me covered easily also.

Even if the Villain held (KJ) (56%) or trips, (54%) I had outs making it close to a coin flip. If I was going to call here, the correct move was to move all in – and maybe he folds.

I called (I think you spell ‘donkey’ – F-A-L-D-O).

The turn was the [2s]. And he bets all but a ½ BB of my stack. THAT usually is a tell he wants a call. There is no lock possible yet, so this bet is puzzling. But I have to guess he has something.

Here are the hands I put him on and the new percentages – (KJ) (75%) or trips (68%), so I am a 3 to 1 or 2 to 1 dog now. It is a close decision now due to my short-stack status, but I elected to call all-in and see I am up against even a weaker hand than I thought (QT) (66%),

I missed on the river and was gone, but all the more reason my all-in was needed on the flop. Lesson learned.

PS: If I had moved in on the flop, with the hand I actually was up against – I was a 51% to 47% favorite! So, moving in then was definitely the right play – and my call on the turn was not terrible, was it? Your thoughts people?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Douge2’s Humor Corner – XXVI

Woodpecker Challenge

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, you are a much better pecker when you're away from home.

This is a Major Concern

Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wingsfancurt Wins His 1st NPP Tourney!

Maybe Wingsfancurt’s favorite team is off to a slow start, but he got off to a quick start in tonight’s tourney. He then went almost bust, before rallying and besting a field of another eighteen players to win his first NPP event.

We also welcome back WildWoode to the NPP tables tonight.

Your scribe was logged in and then called away to help my in-laws and got back too late to enter. Too late to enter because of Curt’s fast start! twss!

On to the action:

4 min?: Rennzzo (19th) and Theedouble*d (18th) are knocked out by Wingsfancurt in a double kill. I missed it as Faldo was trying to register late and was not allowed to as this must have just happened.

32 min: T3chlady (17th) continues to have no nub on PokerStars on NPP nights as her (QQ) runs into Wingsfancurt’s (KK). I told you he was on fire early!

33 min: Watching and recording the above hand, I failed to see Kensik finish (16th).
34 min: Derf-63 (15th) goes AIPF with (55) and loses to Vanettij’s (JJ).

41 min: Three see a flop of [Td 4d Qd]. Meatsword (14th) bets his (As Js) in a semi-bluff and gets called only by Wingsfancurt with (T7) and middle pair. The turn is a [7] and everyone checks. When another [Q] hits the river, Meatsword moves all-in with another attempt at a semi-bluff, but Curt calls him down – and out!

53 min: A short-stacked (SS) LittleRedElf (13th) sees his (AK) get run down by Budda627’s (Tc 5c) with a [T] on the flop.

57 min: Three see a flop of [5c Js Qc]. Wildwood bets (Ks Qd) and only Vanettij (12th) calls (As 6c). The turn is a [7h] and Vanetti bets and gets called. The river is a [5h] and Vanetti pushes all-in on a bluff and gets called out by the pair of Queens.

1st Break:

Wingsfancurt 7400 (looks like the Big 2 – Little 9)
WildWoode 6614
Tomservo2 2703
ThePunk75 2195
Absea98 2195
K9isadog 1935
Budda627 1555
Douge2 1340
Funtoon 900
Akensi 895
Tigercub8189 768

65 min: A SS Funtoon (11th) is all-in after a flop with an [8] in it with (T8) but WildWoode calls with (Q9) and hits a straight on the river.

72 min: Absea98 (10th) is out next, but I am watching the next hand and miss it as his former table closes down.

73 min: Budda627 (9th) moves in with (KJ) but WildWoode is holding (TT).

91 min: A long time until the next exit when a SS K9isadog (8th) goes with (KQ) and runs into Wingsfancurt’s (A9).

97 min: A SS Akensi (7th) calls a raise with (Ad Th) and moves all in on WildWoode (QQ) on a flop of [52Q]. Ouch!

A long battle ensues for 23 minutes! Great job guys!

2nd break:
WildWoode 13509
ThePunk75 7340
Tomservo2 2512
Douge2 2135
Wingsfancurt 1697 (how the mighty have fallen!)
Tigercub8189 1307

122 min: A SS Tigercub8189 (6th) checks his blind with two players. The flop of [347] gets Wingsfancurt (75) to bet enough to put Tigercub all-in, who calls with (K2).

124 min: A SS Douge2 (5th) loses to Tomservo’s straight.
133 min: A SS Tomservo2 (4th) calls all-in with (77) with a flop with an [A] in it, and WildWoode has (A5).

138 min: Wingsfancurt (K9) calls WildWoode’s (3rd) raise and they see a flop of [9JK]. WildWoode moves all in with (AJ), is called, and cannot catch up.

Heads up: Wingsfancurt 13600 - ThePunk75 14900
140 min: Wingsfancurt 20600 - ThePunk75 7900

The comeback is almost complete!

141 min: ThePunk75 (2nd) raises a pot committed amount and is called.
The flop is [263] and ThePunk moves it all in with (97). But the stop-and-go fails as Wingsfancurt is holding (TT).

Congratulations to Wingsfancurt on his first NPP win! He becomes the 45th tournament winner in NPP history.

1st – Wingsfancurt
2nd – ThePunk75
3rd – WildWoode
4th – Tomservo2
5th – Douge2
6th – Tigercub8189
7th – Akensi
8th – K9isadog
9th – Budda627

Standings are on the right side of the blog.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Sometimes It’s Just Not in the Cards

I won’t go thru my own tale of woe since returning from my get away weekend with nature. I came back ready to start with a clean poker slate and a good attitude. Let me just say that the Dealer of Death was waiting anxiously for my return to the felt. It turned out to be a short visit in “Good Attitude” Village for Faldo.

But in my mail bag I found a hand I will review, instead of boring you with the stories of the TWO three outers that ran me down in consecutive tourneys. Oh wait, sorry, I just did.

Our Hero writes to say that he got crushed unfairly again. But was it that bad? Let’s look:

The blinds are 2500 – 5000, with a 500 ante, so we are late in the tourney and our NPP Hero has gone deep, as most NPP players do – twss.

Peeking to see (Ad Ah) UTG (under the gun, or the seat right in front of the blinds) our Hero bets 10000 of his 42000 stack. He is 2nd at the table in chips and I figure he is trying to coax AIPF (all in pre-flop) action from the smaller stacks.

All fold to the SB (small blind) with a stack of 20000 chips, who calls!?! An all-in or fold seems right here – unless the plan is to move all in after the flop – hit or miss. But already short-stacked and putting half his chips in, it looks like he is hoping for a call from the BB to get some pot odds with (Kh Td).

Everyone’s strategic moves matter not as the big stacked BB Villain (73000) questionably moves all-in with (6d 6h). But the blinds are high and I don’t know where these stacks are in relation to the rest of the field or tournament situation. Maybe the Villain is doing what he has to do to win it all. Maybe squeaking in the money is not on his mind as he loves being a bubble boy or being one of the big stacks.

Well, this action is just what our Hero wanted – yes? Well, for sure yes heads up and I think he has to call here, regardless. Our Hero had to know the SB was calling. But facing even two players, instead of one, (AA) falls in value.

It is a tournament and you have to go for the gusto. Here are the percentages pre-flop:

Hero (AA) – 69%
SB (KT) – 12%
BB Villain (66) – 19%

Our Hero would have been 87% vs SB and 81% vs the BB heads up respectively.

But our hero is just a little better than a 2:1 favorite here. So when the [6] spiked on the flop and turned our Hero from the solid favorite to a 9:1 dog, it was not the worst bad beat the world has ever seen.

Of course it hurt that Hero was deep in the tournament and that the hit was done by the only stack at the table that could not only bust him, but who played aggressive (or stupid) and hit. If it was another SS at the table, it would have been more understandable - and not fatal.

But as Faldo is trying to remind himself – on a daily basis – if you are going to whine about the evil deeds of the dealer of the cards, don’t play. Sometimes, it is just not in the cards for you.

So I will buy another ticket to Good Attitude Village, and I hope our Hero does too.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Faldo Goes to Deer Camp

Sorry for the lack of posting. Faldo went with his son, Bronco76 and Tigercub8189 to my other brother’s hunting cottage, for a little deer hunting. Leaving the oval felt jungle for the Michigan woods for a while.

Yes time to live off the land. Time to get back to survival mode. Time to man up and check your skills against nature. This was wilderness living at its supreme and most intense. After all, no internet and no TV!!!!! Cell phones worked, but I had turned mine off and left it in the car.

Friday was a rainy night. Visiting with the other eight hunters inside the main lodge, it was venison stew, sardines, beef jerky, baked beans, green beans and beer for dinner. Back at my other brother’s (Lion.357) house trailer on 12 acres. The kerosene heater got plenty of fuel added to the air as the night rolled on after that dinner. It was more beer and stories – then lights out.

Lion failed to see anything hunting Saturday morning. Got back to the lodge and checked in. No hits, but a big deer was spotted by several guys, but no shot available with their bows.

Back to our camp, we worked dropping carrots, beets and other bait for the animals and gather/cut/split wood for the Saturday fire. Beer was iced and readied – and sampled.

Evening hunt was also unsuccessful, so we did what all survival men do in that situation. We drove to town to the only bar and had burgers and watched football for a while. That big buck was confirmed being seen by half the hunters in our group, but no one had a shot. Then it was back to camp for the bonfire, beer, cigars and story-telling in the light on and off drizzle.

Sunday was a beautiful morning, and the radio crackled at 9am at our camp. Someone said they shot and hit that big buck! It was time to go tracking. This is what I really call roughing it. I was going to have to hike thru the woods, with only two cups of coffee and one package of instant oatmeal in my stomach. The inhumanity of it all!

The track was the easiest I had ever been on. First off the hunter with the hit said he got the deer near perfect. That coming from some hunters, that could be a story or a mistake, but not with this guy. If he said he got it, he got it. Even though the broad blade arrow had passed right thru, you could tell it was a lung shot. We waited until we all gathered at 10:30am and started out on the blood trail.

What started out as small drops every ten yards for the first 100 yards, turned into big drops every five yards and then pretty much a straight line of blood. Plus, the size of the deer had left a pretty big tunnel thru the underbrush in the woods and rubbed blood on the trees.

Less than 300 yards from the shot, there he was. He was only a 4 point rack, but weighed in at 220 pounds on the scale! As the successful hunter processed his deer, a few celebratory beers were had – with jokes/insults thrown in. That deer will be in the stew next camp.

The hunt was over for the weekend. Back to our camp, we all pulled out our rifles, shotguns and handguns for a little target practice. The big obsolete desktop computer I brought up just for this occasion, held up surprisingly well under the onslaught. The wood targets and water jugs didn’t last as long as that computer did.

That was surprisingly therapeutic to let loose on one of those machines. Anyway, time to clean up, pack up and head back to the unreal world.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Douge2’s Humor Corner – XXV

Mistaken Identity

Sirgash staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, 2 black eyes, and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, “What happened to YOU?”

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my girl Nixi, at a difficult hole. We both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to Nixi, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’

I don't remember much after that.”

Men’s Sensitivity Test

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing

C. Bumping uglies.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. Costs her $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affection for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym and do double workouts.

C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to an entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

Evaluating Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, you are 4Putt after marriage.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, you are NPP material.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Faldo Updates His Online Poker Room Review

As you know, I am a proud PokerStars Affiliate Member. PokerStars is the leader in the online poker industry. And when all the other big boys like Party Poker and Paradise Poker cut their USA players loose, PokerStars stood firm – for poker AND freedom – and stayed with us.

Therefore, I will always be with PokerStars – until I am bad beat into bankruptcy - but I digress.

That being said, if you want to multi-table tournaments in a window of stake ranges, playing it all on one site limits your options. Because PokerStars is the best and the biggest, I can usually get in two tourneys and sometimes three in my price range at the same time. But sometimes I can’t.

Full Tilt Poker is the 2nd best site I use. I will give you some stats in a minute to prove this out, but it is the next best option – far and away.

That leaves the rest of the pack. I have decided to play at four sites exclusively, and with the first two obviously carved in stone, I have to pick two more. My choices are between:

Bodog Poker
Cake Poker
Carbon Poker – Merge Gaming
Ultimate Bet – Cereus Gaming
Poker4ever – Everleaf Gaming

In my review of close to three hundred poker sites, I am down to these six choices. Lets look at some data shall we?

Site – Week Average # of Cash Game Players (tourney data not available, darn!)
Bodog – 910
Cake – 1860
Carbon – 425
Ultimate – 2450
Poker4ever – 100
WPE - 50
And for comparison;
PokerStars – 23800
Full Tilt – 12100

For reasons of full disclosure, Bodog Poker is the wildcard. They are a sports book too, and you have to have more action than Bodog to be considered for the 3rd spot. Bodog by default earns spot #4. Sometimes Faldo requires horse, fights and sports odds – for news information only of course - so, ummmm, they are #4 darn it!

The data don’t lie. My choice now is between Cake and Ultimate Bet due to the larger volume of traffic and business. This means less chance of my account disappearing and a greater chance for more 100+ player tourneys that I like to play in.

For reasons I will not get into here, the celebrity pitch-people for both of these sites are – in my opinion – a reason NOT to pick either one of them. But pick one I feel I must.

If any readers want to chime in with opinions about the tourney play on either site, I am all eyes. I will review their tourney blind structures, payout structures and shear number of weekly tourneys in my budget range.

I will also send emails to both sites requesting information on why they should be my #3 site. Stay tuned for the results.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Theedouble*d Wins His 3rd NPP Tourney

He bested a field of another twenty players playing tough poker others to do it.

Faldo didn't play as I was feeling a little under the weather. I can tell I am trying to catch a cold, but I am resting, sleeping and eating well enough (vitamin C and soup) to keep me from getting really bad.

The mood in the tourney tonight was light and friendly in the conversation, but deadly serious on the felt.

On to the action:

25 min: Douge2 (21st) hits a pair of 7’s on the flop and when a possible flush appears on the river, he makes a bluff attempt. But Duder1123 is holding (AA) and not going anywhere.

31 min: Vanettij (20th) sees his (77) run into Akensi’s (AA).
32 min: Midway2933 (19th) is knocked out by Biglou93’s (QQ).

41 min: Meatsword (18th) sees a flop of [A99] while holding (AK), but K9isadog holds – what else? – (K9). Ouch! Rennzzo takes the short-stacked (SS) Meat out two minutes later.

51 min: Quite a hand here. A short-stacked (SS) Wingsfancurt (17th) goes with (AA) and gets – not one, not two, but – five callers! A flop of [2s Jd 9c] gets Tigercub8189 (16th) all-in with (TT) and K9isa dog and Akensi call that. The turn is [Kd] and K9 gets a double kill and wins a big pot with his (QT) straight.

52 min: A SS Duder1123 (15th) goes AIPF with (Kd Td) and loses to ThePunk75’s (QQ).
54 min: Kensik (14th) sees his (88) lose to Tomservo2’s (QJ) with a [Q] on the flop.
56 min: Akensi (13th) goes out against Rennzzo’s (77).

1st Break:

K9isadog 5167
ThePunk75 5030
Theedouble*d 4285
Absea98 3090
T3chlady 2660
Derf-63 2265
Biglou93 1974
Budda627 1794
LittleRedElf 1648
Rennzzo 1367
Tomservo2 1135
Funtoon 1085

62 min: Theedouble*d (7c 6c), Budda627 (Tc 8h) and Rennzzo (8c 3d) split a pot three ways. They all read Faldo’s poker book “7-2 is OK!”

70 min: Biglou93 (12th) sees his (QQ) run into Theedouble*d’s (AK) and an [A] on the river.

72 min: Derf-63 (11th) is AIPF with (Kh Jh) but finds Funtoon with (A9).
74 min: A SS LittleRedElf (10th) has to go with (99), but takes Faldo’s bubble spot as K9isadog has (KQ) and hits a flop of [QQK].

77 min: Budda627 (9th) moves in with (88) but T3chlady is holding (QQ).
90 min: A SS Rennzzo (8th) (K4) gets two callers and K9isadog’s (K9) take it down.
97 min: Absea98 (7th) has his (Ah Kh) (69%) get run down by Theedouble*d’s (Q5) with a [Q] on the turn.

109 min: K9isadog (6th) gets too aggressive (impatient?) with his (QT) on a flop of [KT3] but cannot catch T3chlady’s (KJ).

2nd break:
T3chlady 12761 (can she hang on for her first NPP win?)
Theedouble*d 12234
Tomservo2 3680
ThePunk75 1785 (what is with the T’s?)
Funtoon 1040 (et tu, Toon?)

It goes wild right after the break as the small stacks go for it.

121 min: Funtoon’s (5th) (KJ) loses to Theedouble*d’s (QQ).
122 min: ThePunk75 (4th) is all-in with (K5) but Theedouble*d’s (QJ) hits a [Q] on the turn.

123 min: Tomservo2 (3rd) runs into T3chlady’s (AA). Nuff said.

That was fast!

Heads up: Theedouble*d 16500 - T3chalady 15000
125 min: Theedouble*d 22500 - T3chalady 9000
130 min: Theedouble*d 20000 - T3chalady 11500
135 min: Theedouble*d 22700 - T3chalady 8800

137 min: T3chlady (2nd) is AIPF with (33) and Theedouble*d calls with (AT). The Lady’s pair get counterfeited as two pair hit the board and DD’s ace plays.

Congratulations to Theedouble*d on another NPP win.

1st – Theedouble*d
2nd – T3chlady
3rd – Tomservo2
4th – ThePunk75
5th – Funtoon
6th – K9isadog
7th – Absea98
8th – Rennzzo
9th – Budda627

Standings are on the right side of the blog.

Monday, October 19, 2009

A Little Poker Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing

Here is some limit poker advice, but remember this stuff is not carved in stone. The type of opponents, the trend of the game and your table image are factors no one can predict when shelling out practical poker advice. But this stuff is usually correct. Just, not always – and that is the beauty of poker:

Position is most important with three or four players in the hand. Having position is still an advantage heads up or in a multi-way pot, but it is close to critical with three or four players competing for a pot.

The boundary line between having a large number of opponents in a hand and a small number of opponents is – three.

Do not overlook the chance that you will hit your ‘dream hand’ and still lose. For instance, drawing for an over card with lets say (AT). You could hit your [A] and still lose to (AQ) or (A-rag) that hit two pair.

If you would not call a raise from the button with the hand you are holding in the small blind – fold.

An unpaired hand will make a pair, straight draw or flush draw only 1/3 of the time.

The turn card is where money is made. A bet here can chase out add to your profit two ways – taking a pot down without a showdown and getting extra $ from inferior hands.

However, when facing a raise of a bet on the turn, the bettor usually can beat top pair.

Beware of ‘tainted’ cards that improve your hand, but could have strengthened your opponent’s hand even more.

Chances of flopping a flush is just .8 %. But if you had let’s say (Qd Jd) and the flop is [8d 6d 4d], slow-playing is inviting the (Kd) or (Ad) to snap you off.

The chance of flopping a straight with two connected cards is not much better at 1.3%.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Bigbrimar Finishes 3rd in PokerStars Tourney

NPP players continue to cash …and it is not surprising. Not with the talent filled group you have to cut your teeth against every week in the league.

Bigbrimar landed just two from the top spot out of 360 players and raked in 40 times his entry for his final table appearance.

Nice job Bigbri! (ah…twss)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Faldo Says “Yay” or “Nay” to Common Dealer’s Choice Games – Part XI

There are other poker games besides what is dealt in casinos and tournaments. The casino games are there because of their speed and simplicity in dealing. More hands equal more rake for the house.

But there are some fun, entertaining and challenging poker games you can deal in a home game, which make you have to think outside “the flop” sometimes.

The description of the following games in this series is Faldo’s opinion only. Other may like my take on a game and some will not. That’s fine. It’s all good. Here we go:

Proctor and Gamble

Each player receives four down cards. Betting round. Then three window cards are placed on the board, and turned over one at a time with a betting round in between each flip of a card. The last card flopped and all like it are wild.

It is a pure gambling game as you won’t know how many wild cards you will have in your hand until the end, but you do know you will have one.

Faldo says ‘Nay’. Exciting game but too much gamble for Faldo.


This is a high-low game. Every player receives a down card. Then the player on the dealer’s left gets an up card. If he wants it, he keeps it. If not, he can push it to his left and gets the next card. Obviously it would probably help you if the person on your right was going in the opposite hand direction of you. Only the up cards can be pushed.

If the dealer pushes a card, it goes in the muck. Betting starts after everyone has their first up card. This continues until everyone has four up cards. Then, there is one ‘buy round’ or exchange option, where every player can throw away a card and ‘buy’ a replacement. Ah yes, a chance to get rid of the down card! Although you can replace an up card if you decide that is what you want to do.

Then a final betting round and a then a showdown or a ‘declare hi or low’ – dealer’s choice.

Faldo says ‘Yay’ to this one. Sounds like fun for a group of semi-drunk friends to rip on each other for cards passed or kept.

Round the World

Same game as Omaha Hi-Lo except there is only a four-card window and the cards are turned over one at a time, with a betting round after each one. This might be a game of choice should your table swell to nine players or more and you don’t wish to break up the table. The number of cards dealt to each player could be reduced also – from four to three.

Faldo says ‘Yay’, but standard Omaha Hi-Lo is just as good a game. But this game will make you learn to appreciate ‘the flop’.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Douge2’s Humor Corner – XXIV

Keeping With Tradition

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy.. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to the watch and say, “Time's Up”?

Actual Headlines Found in Newspapers!

“Coed Excited Dad Got Head Job”

“Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says”

“Stats Show Teen Pregnancy Drops After Age 25”

“What Constitutes a Millionaire?”

“One-Armed Man Applauds Kindness of Strangers”

“Camouflage Army Vehicle Disappears”

“Fish Needs Water Feds Say”

“County to Spend $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds”

“Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum”

“Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison”

“Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks"

"Obama Watches College Football Game - Wins Heisman Trophy"

Ok, the last one is not a real headline.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Boother36 Wins a Premier Poker Lounge Tourney

Boother36 took care of business last Friday at the Premier Poker Lounge in Hartland at the Grille23 Restaurant and Tavern.

I would have liked to have posted this sooner, but since cashing in a tourney is like breathing to Boother36, he didn’t feel the need to tell Faldo about it. I had to drag it out of him by threatening him with NPP Committee sanctions!

And I begged him for the story too. Here it is:

“I had a free Friday night so I thought I would checkout the recently re-opened PPL card room at Grill 23 in Hartland.

They had a $40 buy-in tourney that started at 7 PM. I wanted to get there early to check out the cash game action, but ended up running late. Good thing though, since there was no cash game running before the tourney. Some of the regulars claimed that a special weekend tourney at the Howell Eagles club was stealing players?!?! A 1 table cash game was rolling at 11:00 or so when I left.

They ended up with 14 players for the tourney. My luck seemed to be running ok at the beginning. I was able to stay above starting chip stack without risking too much. But my luck turned for the better once they combined down to the final table.

The first hand at the final table, I end up flopping the nut flush. I have a guy betting into me, eventually going all-in. He was the first of 5 people I knocked out at that table. I did have one huge suck-out when I got priced in for all my chips after the turn, only to hit my hand on the river.

I guess the slate is now clean for all those times I have gotten screwed by said river!!! At the end of the tourney, I ended up chopping for 1st (they only paid the top 2 spots!!).

I thought the card room was very nice and they ran a good tourney. Not crowed at all, but the staff was very friendly. I truly believe that the staff (and the owners) know that players want to feel comfortable and play in a friendly atmosphere. They did everything they could to make you feel that way!! I think I will be back….as soon as this weekend possibly….” - Boother36

Boother joins Beerhog, K9isadog, Matchy and Faldo as NPP winners of PPL tourneys. Nice job Boother. And just because you win tournaments more often than Faldo folds his blinds, is no reason not to report your poker wins to me.

Don’t make me send the NPP Committee after you again!

Faldo may make an appearance this weekend too. I am planning an official NPP Night at PPL in November. Let’s try to get Please pick a night (Thursday – Friday –Saturday) by commenting here.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

ThePunk75 Wins His 3rd NPP Tourney

ThePunk75 bested fifteen others tonight to capture his 3rd NPP tourney win. He had to climb the mountain as your noble scribe took a big chip lead early.

This puts him in 1st place, not only in the 4th quarter seat race, but also the Total Points seat race. It is looking good for ThePunk to get to the Finals. But it is not over yet.

There were no new players tonight and Faldo is not happy about that. Anyway, excellent poker was played by the regulars.
On to the action:

14 min: Mikeniks-Faldo (JJ) re-raises a LittleRedElf raise (15th) that is called by Tomservo2 (16th) and the Elf. The flop is [Q7J] and they cannot get away from their (KK) and (AA). A rare double knockout of two of NPP’s most dangerous players! PokerStars nub for Faldo.

41 min: No casualties for a while until Douge2’s (14th) pair of Aces loses to Midway2933’s flush.

45 min: A short-stacked (SS) K9isadog (13th) has to go when his (Th 8h) hits a [T] on the flop. But he runs into ThePunk75’s (AA).

51 min: A SS Duder1123 (12th) pushes with (65) and a flop of [Qs4c6s] but Midway2933 (Ks 2s) hits his flush - again.

56 min: T3chlady (11th) goes AIPF with (55) but ThePunk75 calls with (AQ) and hits a [Q] on the flop. Ouster #2 by ThePunk.

1st Break:

Mikeniks-Faldo 6131
Midway2933 5280
ThePunk75 4972
Theedouble*d 2015
Budda627 1820
Rennzzo 1582
Tigercub8189 1120
Derf-63 580
Funtoon 485
Absea98 15

63 min: A SS Funtoon (10th) sees his (AK) lose to the SS (A2) of Derf-63 with (Kd 2d) and a [2] on the river.

64 min: Majorly SS Absea98 (9th) run into Mikeniks-Faldo’s (AK).
67 min: Derf-63 (8th) loses as his (Ah Th) cannot catch ThePunk75’s (KK). Ouster #3.
72 min: Budda627 (7th) has his (JJ) run into Theedouble*d’s (KK).
80 min: A SS Tigercub8189 (6th) goes with (A4) and runs into ThePunk75’s (AJ). Ouster #4.

85 min: Midway2933 (5th) bluffs at it, but Theedouble*d had two pair.
99 min: Theedouble*d (4th) had to go with (As 4s) with an [A] on the flop. But ThePunk75 is holding (AK). Ouster #5 for ThePunk!

109 min: Rennzzo (3rd) tries with (A7) but Mikeniks-Faldo is holding (AK).

110 min: Heads up: ThePunk75 15000 – Mikeniks-Faldo 8700
115 min: Heads up: ThePunk75 16500 – Mikeniks-Faldo 7200

2nd break:
ThePunk75 20571
Mikeniks-Faldo 3429

120 min: Heads up: ThePunk75 14500 – Mikeniks-Faldo 9200

121 min: We both limp into a flop of [8h 5d Qh]. ThePunk75 checks and Mikeniks-Faldo (2nd) bets the pot and gets called. I put Punk on a pair - of what I have no idea, but I figure I am behind with my (6h 4s).

The turn is a pretty [7], but unfortunately for me it is the [7h] and ThePunk is holding (4h 2h). Ouch, as the money gets all in there.

Congratulations to ThePunk75 on another NPP win.

1st – ThePunk75
2nd – Mikeniks-Faldo
3rd – Rennzzo
4th – Theedouble*d
5th – Midway2933
6th – Tigercub8189
7th – Budda627
8th – Derf-63
9th – Absea98

Standings are on the right side of the blog.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Premier Poker Lounge Now Open Wed thru Saturday

Premier Poker Lounge at Hartland, MI's - Grille 23 - on Old US-23 just south of M-59, is now open Wednesday thru Saturday, 6pm to close.

Wednesday: $25 buy in 5,000 chips

Thursday: $25 buy in turbo tourney 5,000 chips.

Friday: $30 buy in 7,000 chips.

Saturday: $40 buy in 12,000 chips

The cash games are going nightly.

October 17th, there is a special Saturday night event. Live band and special prizes.

Watch for the PPL Fall Poker Series, November 25, 27, 28, 2009.

As always you can check out the PPL link on the right side of the blog.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Faldo Says “Yay” or “Nay” to Common Dealer’s Choice Games – Part X

There are other poker games besides what is dealt in casinos and tournaments. The casino games are there because of their speed and simplicity in dealing. More hands equal more rake for the house.

But there are some fun, entertaining and challenging poker games you can deal in a home game, which make you have to think outside “the flop” sometimes.

The description of the following games in this series is Faldo’s opinion only. Other may like my take on a game and some will not. That’s fine. It’s all good. Here we go:

Death Wheel

This game was invented by that great poker mind, Hlam14, aka, Herbavor. Four cards are dealt to everyone (‘bonus’ 5-card option is available to the dealer, providing there are enough cards in the deck.

A wheel of six cards face down is place on the table and betting begins. Players make their hands using all the cards in their hands and adding any three cards ‘touching’ (on either side of the main card you choose) on the wheel.

Cards are turned up on the wheel two at a time and betting occurs after each ‘flop’. The dealer will flop two cards on each side of the wheel, then the other two cards on the opposite side he just flopped, and then finally the single two cards at the top and bottom, closing the wheel.

You can also deal an eight card wheel, turning two cards on the right, two cards on the left, then the top and then the bottom for 5 total betting rounds. Or turn four, two, two. Whatever, just so the dealer announces before dealing.

This game can be played high, low or Hi-Lo. In Hi-lo games, you players must simultaneously declare whether you are going Hi, Lo or both ways (go both ways, you have to win both ways or your hand is folded).

This game started out as a crowd favorite at NPP home games, with plenty of action – and then mysteriously, the players turned on the game. So much so, NPP players banished Herbavor to Iowa, banning him from NPP games. Now he is forced to live with the corn(hole) people.

Faldo still says ‘Yay’ to this game.


Don’t remember who brought this game to NPP (maybe Faldo), but a player at NPP got the nickname Gridlock (Jwr22 on the Walk of Fame), because it became the ONLY game he would deal in the home games!

Four cards are dealt to everyone (‘bonus’ 5-card option is available to the dealer, providing there are enough cards in the deck).

A window of nine cards placed in a tic-tac-toe formation on the table and the betting begins. Three cards are turned over on a top or side row, and another round of betting. Then three cards are turned over on the opposite end of the row or column selected, with another betting round – and then finally the center row or column with a final betting round.

The game is played high, where you use any two cards in your hand and any three in a row, column or on the diagonal (nine flops!). The twist is, the player left holding the highest card of the suit of the middle of the grid, gets half the pot – so obviously Aces are a premium card to hold.

Faldo says ‘Yay’.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Faldo Wins Cake Poker NL Holdem Tournament

Ok, got to set this up. I get up at 3am to release the beer I had watching football and baseball on the TV a few hours ago. Returning to the sack, I just toss and turn. So, I put on some coffee and decide a little poker action is in order.

I find tourneys on PokerStars, Cake Poker and Full Tilt and settle in – one on each screen. Before I take two sips, I am out of both the Cake and FT tourneys and crippled in the PS one. Yes, I was ahead in all three hands! Well, now there is no way I can sleep now!

Punch a heavy bag for an hour, yes! Sleep? Not so much.

So I get into three more on the same three sites. By the way, my desperation all-in fails in the first PS tourney also.

The second set of tourneys goes much better! I finish 32nd in the PokerStars tourney out of 431 players – tripling my buy-in.

I make the final table in the other two tourneys! I finish 4th in the Full Tilt tourney out of 230 players. A deal was suggested but one player said no. Shortly after he turned down the deal, I get (AQ) in the big blind and call the standard raise as only the SB folds. The flop is [AJJ] and we all know what someone has (JT), as I go from 2nd in chips to badly short stacked by this cold deck hand.

I felt it – I really did - but how do you fold that? I couldn’t do it. Anyway, still made 24 times my buy-in there.

Now to concentrate on the other final table where I am in 6th of 8 left. I get the chip lead with four left. A nice run of cards and some luck as many short stacks had to try with not so much and I had them or hit my over card.

Well the luck ran out and the same dealer must have came over from Full Tilt as I get (T7) in the SB and we all check in to see a flop of [77T]. Bingo – I thought! I call the all-in by the guy 3rd in chips with (AT). Yes, a [T] on the turn and an [A] on the river! Thought it was going to be another 4th place for me.

But some all-ins held up and then they let me steal unchallenged until my stack was back to dangerous.

Then my (TT) won to get the lead back. Then my (AK) took out (QsJs), and finally – heads up – my (A9) flopped trip 9’s against the villain’s (88) and I win my 12th internet tournament and 2nd of 2009.

I bested 107 other players and made 32 times my buy in.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Douge2’s Humor Corner – XXIII

Relieving the Pressure

During a commercial airline flight, a travel weary Faldo was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

Faldo pretended not to notice and upon landing, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related objects.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, Faldo responded, “Gosh, that's a cute baby…and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

Faldo sadly shook his head and said, “And all these years I've been chewing gum.”

Getting the Last Drop

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I'm with the Obama Administration.”

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Rennzzo Wins His 3rd NPP Tourney and 2nd This Year

Besting a field of twenty others, Rennzzo got back in the NPP Finals picture.

It was an exciting night with the Detroit Tigers trying to get in the playoff in the background. But the Tigers were as successful as Faldo making a final table on Tuesday.

Two new players joined us tonight; Midway2933 and WildWoode. Welcome to NPP guys!

Returning to the NPP felt tonight was Biglou93, fresh off the golf course. Welcome back Lou!

On to the action:

33 min: UMichPoker (21st) sees her (JJ) run into Budda627’s (AA).
35 min: Tomservo2 (20th) goes out and I didn’t see it – losing my own hand on my table.
36 min: K9isadog (19th) sees his (AQ) run into Kensik’s (AA).

37 min: Midway2933 (18th) sees a four way flop of [5s Qs Qd]. Everyone checks the flop, but the turn of [Jc] sees WildWoode bet, Midway raises, Vanettij re-raises and only Midway calls to see the river [Jh]. Midway calls the all-in and loses to the bigger full house. A cooler hand, which is how newbies at NPP are usually treated.

38 min: A short-stacked (SS) LittleRedElf (17th) goes with (Qh 9h) and a flop of [7s Jd 9s] only to lose to Vanettij’s (99) trip 9’s.

47 min: A SS Theedouble*d (16th) gets all his money in with (A8) and Douge2 calls it with (AQ).

54 min: A SS Biglou93 (15th) goes AIPF with (A9) and loses to Budda627’s (77).

1st Break:

Vanettij 4913
Budda627 4258
Akensi 2725
Rennzzo 2640
Kensik 2420
ThePunk75 2085
Douge2 2016
Tigercub8189 1910
Mikeniks-Faldo 1890
Funtoon 1820
Absea98 1460
TresStooges 1370
Meatsword 1115
WildWoode 878

62 min: A SS WildWoode (14th) goes with (33) and runs into Akensi’s (KK).
63 min: TresStooges (13th) goes with (AK) and a straight draw, only to lose to Vanettij with (Ac 8c), who hits his flush draw instead.

73 min: Meatsword (12th) sees his (As Js) run into ThePunk75’s (AQ).
83 min: Funtoon (11th) calls an AIPF with (KJ) but finds Budda627 with (JJ).
91 min: A SS Mikeniks-Faldo (10th) has to go with (44) and cannot catch Douge2’s (99). Two weeks in a row pocket nines end my night, and two weeks in a row someone first destroyed my stack, then took me out. Derf-63 had the honors last week.

95 min: A SS Tigercub8189 (9th) moves in with (KJ) after a flop of [5QK], but runs into Akensi’s (KQ).

97 min: Absea98’s (8th) (AT) cannot catch ThePunk75’s (AJ).
109 min: Vanettij is cold-decked (7th) as his (KK) finds Akensi holding (AA)!

2nd break:
Akensi 8528 (can she hang on for her first NPP win?)
Rennzzo 7505 (everyone else left has two NPP wins)
Douge2 5009
Kensik 4024
ThePunk75 3345
Budda627 3089

It got wild after the break. Five all-ins survived with some crazy turns and rivers.

128 min: Budda627 (6th) commented on how nuts it was, so PokerStars decided to right the ship on him as he goes with (Ah Th) but cannot catch Douge2’s (JJ). PS didn’t get him for lipping off did they?

132 min: Kensik (5th) loses his all-in to Akensi’s straight.
134 min: Akensi (4th) is all-in with (TT) and Douge2 calls with (QQ).
140 min: ThePunk75 (3rd) makes a move with (QJ) and a flop of [K3Q], but Rennzzo has (K9).

Heads up: Rennzzo 17500 - Douge2 14000
145 min: Same stack amounts.
150 min: Equal stack amounts!

155 min: They both limp in on a flop of [3c Kc 6d]. Rennzzo bets here and Douge2 (2nd) calls. They check the [9d] turn. Douge moves in with a river [Qc] with (K6), but Rennzzo has made his flush (Ac 4c).

Congratulations to Rennzzo on another NPP win.

1st – Rennzzo
2nd – Douge2
3rd – ThePunk75
4th – Akensi
5th – Kensik
6th – Budda627
7th – Vanettij
8th – Absea98
9th – Tigercub8189

Standings are on the right side of the blog.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Faldo Finishes 7th in PokerStars Ante Tourney

It was another final table out of 360 players for Faldo on Sunday. I also slipped in a 20th place finish on Cake Poker in a 284 player tourney, cashing also.

The ‘Ante’ tourney is a little different type of format. The blinds stay at 5 and 5 chips. But antes continue to increase. So in effect, except for position, the blinds are meaningless. Since my style of play makes Dan Harrington’s play look like Gus Hansen on steroids, I was a little concerned getting in this thing.

In short order, everyone was paying 100 chips for their cards and two guys had to throw in an extra 5 for the blinds. Big whoop! In my example here, the pot started with 910 chips, and it was only $5 to call.

Obviously, the entire table limps in, and it is up to the good player to drive people out to leave dead money in the center.

But many hands saw 7 to 9 players see a flop due to no raises – which meant it was as big of flop bingo as our NPP home game favorite “Triple bed Omaha Hi-Lo.” I think my experience in this area helped me. Niks Poker Palace - always a training ground!

Regardless of the texture of the flop, usually someone hit something, which made it both a dangerous game, and an excellent re-raise or bluff opportunity game.

To run this deep, I did get a few breaks along the way to survive. I had to move with (QJ) and flopped the nut straight. A big stack tripped up and another short stack had the flush draw and was there too. When they missed, I tripled up.

Then with three tables left, I had to go with K9 and was called by A5 and AT-suited, and spiked an international buy card [9] on the river to take that down.

Anyway, I managed to add 12 times the entry to my bankroll with my 2nd final table in October already!

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Boku87 Steals Faldo’s Gimmick!

Some player by the name of Boku87 is attempting to turn $5 into $100,000 in just twelve months, playing poker on PokerStars.

This is a brazen attempt to copy Faldo’s challenge that I proposed on the same site.

I told PokerStars to promote Faldo as I would try to turn an initial deposit of $50 on PokerStars into $55 by the year 2020. Talk about stealing my thunder!

Seriously, if this guy pulls this off, I think I have to take up Keno.

Ok, ok – I will have to take Keno up – AGAIN!

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Random Questions Answered by Faldo – Part III

Feel free to email me questions to add to the list, or leave them in a comment. Also, feel free to answer them yourself in the comment section. I like to learn more about you people too!

When was the last time you puked from drinking too much?

In the late 1980’s. I came home from partying after winning a softball tourney. I took a shower, then ate a huge bowl of cold spaghetti left over from the dinner I missed. As I settled in to pass out, the room started that spin we all know. I didn’t make it to the bathroom and the white carpet now had a problem. I swore to my wife I would never do that again, and I have not.

If you could ask one question to any three people and get an honest answer, who and what would you ask?

Of B. Hussein Obama – Why do you want to be dictator?
Of Ben Franklin – How long did you really think our republic would last when you wrote the Constitution?
Of Daniel Negreanu – How do you play poker really?

Who is your favorite actress of all time?

Meryl Streep is the best actress I ever saw. Favorite – don’t have one.

What is your favorite cigar?

Licenciado – a mild/medium Dominican, in the natural color Connecticut wrapper.

Are you a T guy or an A guy?

Actually, I am an L (legs) guy. Great legs usually make a great A out of themselves anyway.

If you could have a super-power, what would it be?

Mind reading.

Would you rather play poker against someone better than you, worse than you or luckier than you?

Worse – just once. I am already always playing against the other two types of players all the time.

Do you have any good friends who are liberals?

I don’t think so. I have some acquaintances (and know a lot of women) who don’t have a clue politically and vote Democrat without thinking. But a true liberal friend who – by definition - is at least a socialist? No.

And here is a thought for any liberals reading. How can a liberal be a poker player in the first place? If you lose, that is not fair – is it? Shouldn’t the other players give back the chips they won?

And if you win, you either have more talent and skill - or were a winner in life’s lottery (lucky) – and that is not fair either, is it? Shouldn’t you get taxed so the chips you won can be re-distributed to all who played?

How can a true liberal even think of playing a pure capitalist game like poker? I’m just sayin’ – liberals are only liberal with other people’s chips. Not their own.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Faldo Says “Yay” or “Nay” to Common Dealer’s Choice Games – Part IX

There are other poker games besides what is dealt in casinos and tournaments. The casino games are there because of their speed and simplicity in dealing. More hands equals more rake for the house.

But there are some fun, entertaining and challenging poker games you can deal in a home game, which make you have to think outside “the flop” sometimes.

The description of the following games in this series is Faldo’s opinion only. Other may like my take on a game and some will not. That’s fine. It’s all good. Here we go:


A two-card game with three substitutions – played high and low. Aces are high only, so the best high hand is AA and the best low is 3-2. The twist is a pair of 7’s scoops the entire pot.

The dealer sets up the bet amounts and the cost for each substitution, if he wants to charge for that. A fast and possibly an expensive game.

Faldo says ‘Yay’.

New York Stud

Dealt the same as Five-card Stud except a Four-flush is added to the line-up as a real hand and it beats a pair.

It can also be dealt to include Bobtail straights (four-card straights), which also beat a pair, but not a Four-flush.

Faldo says ‘Yay’.

Pip Poker

Deal it as you want - Draw or Stud - but the hand value is simply based on the size of the cards. Aces count as 1 and face cards count as 10.

Faldo says ‘Yay’.

Pistol Stud

Same as Seven or Five Stud except betting starts on the first down card.

Faldo says ‘Yay’.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Douge2’s Humor Corner - XXII

Top Ten Signs You’re Choking

• Beads of sweat are breaking out on your tongue.
• You’re panting like Oprah rolling a boulder up Mt. Everest.
• In a past life, you were a wildebeest with its windpipe clamped in a lion’s mouth.
• Your face is redder than a baboon’s butt.
• Your eyeballs are bulging like Marty Feldman in King Kong's death grip.
• You’ve got all the mellowness of a hypertensive hummingbird crossed with a jackhammer.
• Crack junkies tell you to lighten up – you’re making them look bad.
• Between you and 101 Dalmatians, you’re the one peeing more.
• You’re trembling like Robert Downey Jr. with a cop in his rear-view mirror.
• Before each shot, your caddy gives you the Heimlich.


A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well; then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

Top Ten Signs You’re Obsessed with Golf

• Even your work gloves have a ball marker on the wrist.
• You mow your backyard to 11 on the Stimpmeter.
• You don’t know who the Vice President is, but you’ve got Davis Love’s sand save percentage memorized.
• You name your kids Arnold, Jesper and Chi Chi, and that’s just the girls.
• Tees in all your pockets, even your jammies.
• Getting married at 10? You can still get in a quick 9 holes at 8.
• You have all the machinery foldouts from Turfgrass Monthly pinned to your wall.
• You get a titanium rod inserted permanently so you can’t bend your left arm.
• After two days without golf, you get the shakes and have to phone 1-800-HEADCASE so they can talk you down.
• When you stand at the urinal, you use the overlapping grip