Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Time Out for Sports

Let’s pretend I was King (as I should be).
Tim Donaghy and the NBA: Root out the evil doers as soon as possible and move on. News flash to everyone: Gambling is a ….gamble! And the NBA has been a joke since it instituted the Jordan rules and fixed the draft lotteries.

Moving on would be changing the rules of this WWF game to something worth watching. Here are my rule changes (remember, I’m King).
> There is no such thing as a hand or reach in foul. Do anything you want to the guy with the ball - with your arms and hands on his arms and hands.
Obviously, if a player stops dribbling and doesn’t pass the ball right away, he is going to get hacked pretty good. The game will really move!
> Blows to anywhere else besides the arms get the two free throws, possession of the ball and a 30-second penalty like hockey. In other words, you foul someone; you may give up 5 points pretty quickly. This will not affect the game that much as except for hand-arm fouls, how many fouls are actually called?
> You foul out after 3 fouls.
> Fighting is allowed - like hockey - with each combatant getting a 2 minute penalty and the teams would then play 4 on 4. A fight counts as 2 fouls. No free throws for fight fouls.
> Basket would be raised one foot.
> Shorten the season to 60 games and the playoffs to the top 8 teams.
> April is set aside for NBA playoff games.

NCAA Basketball - Same NBA rules apply. You will notice I have freed up March for ‘March Madness’. It is all you and a bag of chips!

WNBA - Don’t know what that is. Don’t waste the King’s time with this nonsense.

PGA, Seniors PGA - No changes at this time.

LPGA - Skirts mandatory. If you can’t, won’t or should not wear a skirt, then I guess you don’t play.

Men’s Tennis - Earrings banned. Matter of fact, earrings banned on all male atheletes.

Women’s Tennis - Shorts and shorts under the skirt are banned. Most of you are women, so dress like it. I am pondering making the women’s beach volleyball uniforms mandatory for women’s tennis - so don’t try the King’s patience.

NFL - Michael Vick: I grant him the ability to work at his job until he either quits himself, he is cut by his team or he is found guilty of the charges.
> Cut the pre-season to two games. Eliminate the bye week. Eliminate the week break between the championship game and the Super Bowl.
> Make cheerleaders mandatory in every stadium with the amount of material allowed for the uniforms not to exceed the current Dallas Cowboy cheerleader uniform. Going ‘under’ is fine. I of course have veto power over the cheerleader hires.

NCAA Football - Leave the bowls and the BCS as it currently is. Then have the coaches secretly vote for the 4 best teams, and then use a point system with the writer’s polls to come up with your playoff teams. Lots would be drawn to determine opponents for the 1st game. The profit generated would be divided between every division I school.

NHL - Eliminate the ‘instigator rule’ and the ‘check from behind penalty’. In my day, you settled things on the ice and you knew better than to approach the boards face first.
> Eliminate regular season overtime and shoot-outs. Don’t need it if you don’t have the ‘instigator rule’. Even the worst hockey team is worth watching if they can play the style of “If you can’t beat them, beat them.”
> Shorten the regular season to 60 games and the playoffs to the top 8 teams - four from each league. Playoffs over by Feb 28. You don’t play ice hockey in the spring.

MLB - Intentional walks are just that - intentional. Just wave the guy to 1st base.
>Shorten the season to 150 games, and have the regular season run May 1 to August 31. Labor Day Weekend off. Play double-headers you sissies. Break a sweat for crying out loud. It’s a team game - use your bench. A team can resign instead of wasting pitchers should a rout happen. Nevermind - I declare an 8 run mercy rule after 5 innings. 7 runs after 7 innings, and 5 after 8 innings. How many 5-run comebacks have you seen in the 9th inning? Please.
>Then the playoffs start - Top 4 teams in each league, scheduling the games to be done by September 30. That is 27 days to get the maximum of 21 games done. We don’t play baseball in the late fall and winter.

Ok, sports issues solved and solved for the better. I hope my ‘Queen’ lets me play golf this weekend (especially after reading this). - Nik Faldo


Anonymous said...

here is my take....

all women sports must be performed naked. and a trampoline must be present at all events.

ncaa football: use the current bcs and the top ten teams make the playoffs. no byes. if you are that good you dont need a bye.

leave baseball as it is......

cancell mens pro basketball forever. leave college as is.


Anonymous said...

First off Nik, Mitch Al-Bomb has nothing on you, excellent sports commentary. Second I think (in the words of Homer Simpson) girls should stick to girly sports such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such. Since you are king and I trust your judgement I suggest these women will be required to wear one of two garments (the decision on who wears which will be up to you), either a see through camel-toe, or a burka.
PS While we are at it lets make NCAA football play with the same set of rules as the NFL.

Fourputt said...

I am absolutely livid over the extreme anti-female and sexist viewpoints given by NPP devotees.

No wonder there are no women at the NPP home games.

Please remember that a professional woman golfer could kick your behind on the golf course and that there are women who could beat you senseless at the poker tables

Nik Faldo said...

Sorry I insulted you ladies 4Putt.

Anonymous said...

keep your wife off the blog 4putt