The Ultimate Trick
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, 'Look, it's not the same hat!' or, 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!' 'Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ....with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
“OK, I give up. Where's the freakin' ship?”
The Secret
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
Holding on Too Long
Into a Belfast pub comes LittleRedElf, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says LRE.
"That little guy, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says LRE, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible beating he gave me with it."
"W ell," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
“That I did," said LRE.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast…and a thing of beauty it is, but useless in a fight."
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did
my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself..'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you..'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from0San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse..
'Oops!'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
............................................ ....................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of
my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough
points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00
A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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