Douge2’s Humor Corner - XXII

Top Ten Signs You’re Choking

• Beads of sweat are breaking out on your tongue.
• You’re panting like Oprah rolling a boulder up Mt. Everest.
• In a past life, you were a wildebeest with its windpipe clamped in a lion’s mouth.
• Your face is redder than a baboon’s butt.
• Your eyeballs are bulging like Marty Feldman in King Kong's death grip.
• You’ve got all the mellowness of a hypertensive hummingbird crossed with a jackhammer.
• Crack junkies tell you to lighten up – you’re making them look bad.
• Between you and 101 Dalmatians, you’re the one peeing more.
• You’re trembling like Robert Downey Jr. with a cop in his rear-view mirror.
• Before each shot, your caddy gives you the Heimlich.

Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well; then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

Top Ten Signs You’re Obsessed with Golf

• Even your work gloves have a ball marker on the wrist.
• You mow your backyard to 11 on the Stimpmeter.
• You don’t know who the Vice President is, but you’ve got Davis Love’s sand save percentage memorized.
• You name your kids Arnold, Jesper and Chi Chi, and that’s just the girls.
• Tees in all your pockets, even your jammies.
• Getting married at 10? You can still get in a quick 9 holes at 8.
• You have all the machinery foldouts from Turfgrass Monthly pinned to your wall.
• You get a titanium rod inserted permanently so you can’t bend your left arm.
• After two days without golf, you get the shakes and have to phone 1-800-HEADCASE so they can talk you down.
• When you stand at the urinal, you use the overlapping grip