Doug2”s Humor Corner – XI

The Lie Detector

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. He always bought one. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchase: it was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie,” said Tommy.

“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.

“The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.


His Calling

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.

A bible
A silver dollar
A bottle of whiskey
And a Playboy magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door”, the old preacher said to himself. “When he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.”

If it’s the bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be ok too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing bum.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy.” the old preacher disgustedly whispered. “He’s gonna run for Congress.”


Painful Truth

Faldo and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I admitted. "She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since."

"My Gosh!" said Mrs. Faldo. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"