Douge2’s Humor Corner - XXXXVI

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late.... and saw the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left.... and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before....and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”


From the Mouths of Babes

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

”Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: “No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden?” her father asks in shock.

”Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.”

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.”

”I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.”