A Helping Hand
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.”
Just Following Regulations
A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'
"Duh," says the blond, "He has a licker license."
Finding Your True Calling
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot?”
He replied, “Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.”
She said, “Well, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.”
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.”
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A man doing yard work yells up to his showering wife, Where is the rake? She shouts back, "What?". He points to his eye, then his knee and makes a raking motion. He repeats, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE." She signals back, pointing to her eye, then to her left breast, then her butt, and finally her crotch. Exasperated, he goes upstairs asking "What was that?" She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH
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