Time Out for Sports

Let’s pretend I was King (as I should be).
Tim Donaghy and the NBA: Root out the evil doers as soon as possible and move on. News flash to everyone: Gambling is a ….gamble! And the NBA has been a joke since it instituted the Jordan rules and fixed the draft lotteries.

Moving on would be changing the rules of this WWF game to something worth watching. Here are my rule changes (remember, I’m King).
> There is no such thing as a hand or reach in foul. Do anything you want to the guy with the ball - with your arms and hands on his arms and hands.
Obviously, if a player stops dribbling and doesn’t pass the ball right away, he is going to get hacked pretty good. The game will really move!
> Blows to anywhere else besides the arms get the two free throws, possession of the ball and a 30-second penalty like hockey. In other words, you foul someone; you may give up 5 points pretty quickly. This will not affect the game that much as except for hand-arm fouls, how many fouls are actually called?
> You foul out after 3 fouls.
> Fighting is allowed - like hockey - with each combatant getting a 2 minute penalty and the teams would then play 4 on 4. A fight counts as 2 fouls. No free throws for fight fouls.
> Basket would be raised one foot.
> Shorten the season to 60 games and the playoffs to the top 8 teams.
> April is set aside for NBA playoff games.

NCAA Basketball - Same NBA rules apply. You will notice I have freed up March for ‘March Madness’. It is all you and a bag of chips!

WNBA - Don’t know what that is. Don’t waste the King’s time with this nonsense.

PGA, Seniors PGA - No changes at this time.

LPGA - Skirts mandatory. If you can’t, won’t or should not wear a skirt, then I guess you don’t play.

Men’s Tennis - Earrings banned. Matter of fact, earrings banned on all male atheletes.

Women’s Tennis - Shorts and shorts under the skirt are banned. Most of you are women, so dress like it. I am pondering making the women’s beach volleyball uniforms mandatory for women’s tennis - so don’t try the King’s patience.

NFL - Michael Vick: I grant him the ability to work at his job until he either quits himself, he is cut by his team or he is found guilty of the charges.
> Cut the pre-season to two games. Eliminate the bye week. Eliminate the week break between the championship game and the Super Bowl.
> Make cheerleaders mandatory in every stadium with the amount of material allowed for the uniforms not to exceed the current Dallas Cowboy cheerleader uniform. Going ‘under’ is fine. I of course have veto power over the cheerleader hires.

NCAA Football - Leave the bowls and the BCS as it currently is. Then have the coaches secretly vote for the 4 best teams, and then use a point system with the writer’s polls to come up with your playoff teams. Lots would be drawn to determine opponents for the 1st game. The profit generated would be divided between every division I school.

NHL - Eliminate the ‘instigator rule’ and the ‘check from behind penalty’. In my day, you settled things on the ice and you knew better than to approach the boards face first.
> Eliminate regular season overtime and shoot-outs. Don’t need it if you don’t have the ‘instigator rule’. Even the worst hockey team is worth watching if they can play the style of “If you can’t beat them, beat them.”
> Shorten the regular season to 60 games and the playoffs to the top 8 teams - four from each league. Playoffs over by Feb 28. You don’t play ice hockey in the spring.

MLB - Intentional walks are just that - intentional. Just wave the guy to 1st base.
>Shorten the season to 150 games, and have the regular season run May 1 to August 31. Labor Day Weekend off. Play double-headers you sissies. Break a sweat for crying out loud. It’s a team game - use your bench. A team can resign instead of wasting pitchers should a rout happen. Nevermind - I declare an 8 run mercy rule after 5 innings. 7 runs after 7 innings, and 5 after 8 innings. How many 5-run comebacks have you seen in the 9th inning? Please.
>Then the playoffs start - Top 4 teams in each league, scheduling the games to be done by September 30. That is 27 days to get the maximum of 21 games done. We don’t play baseball in the late fall and winter.

Ok, sports issues solved and solved for the better. I hope my ‘Queen’ lets me play golf this weekend (especially after reading this). - Nik Faldo

Advantages of Road Trips

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion...your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Cork Soakers

Cork Soakers Video.