A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion...your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
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3 guys go into a bar, an old Italian man in a wheelchair, an old Scotsman with a walker and a union member. The old Italian gentleman orders a martini then looks to his left and sees a man in a robe with long hair and sandals. He tells the bartender the man looks like Jesus. The barkeep replies that it is indeed Jesus, so the Italian man sends Jesus a martini.
The old Scot orders a single malt, then looks to his right and sees the same robed man. He too tells the barkeep that the man looks like Jesus, and again the barkeep confirms. The Scot sends Jesus a glass of the best Scotch in the house.
The union member sits down and orders a Bud, then like the others sees the bearded man in sandals. Like the others he tells the barkeep the guy looks like Jesus and again his thought is confirmed. Naturally the union member sends Jesus a Bud.
Jesus quickly drinks all 3 libations then walks over to the old Italian gentleman and thanks him for the martini. Jesus touches his shoulder and immediately the old Dago jumps out of his wheelchair and he can walk again. Then Jesus walks over to the Scotsman, thanks him for the drink and touches his shoulder. The Scot throws away the walker and begins running around the bar, he is cured.
Lastly Jesus walks over to the union member and thanks him for the beer. The union member repies "You are most welcome Jesus, but don't you dare touch me...I'm on workers' comp.!"
Thanks and remember to tip the waitresses!
Matchy
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