A bum asked me if I had a buck so he could get a cup of coffee. I said, "Sure. Do you have change for a $100 bill?" Some people are just ungrateful. Do you know he took a swing at me?
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
My doctor looks just like a young Vanna White - only hotter! But I have to find a new eye doctor now. I thought it would speed things up if I got naked for the examination BEFORE she told me to.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to hustle to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
My new girlfriend I'm having an affair with..... thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
On my college entrance exam, they asked where are women found to have naturally curly hair.
I guess Africa was the correct answer.
One of the other questions that I missed on my college entrance exam was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Mexicans and Blacks is not the correct answer.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
The Red Cross have just knocked at my door and asked if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my garden hose only reaches the driveway.
Wanting to impress the young lady behind registration desk when I checked into my hotel on a recent business trip, I said, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard."
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