Douge2’s Humor Corner – LXI

Men are just happier people.
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Man, I’m glad I’m a man!

Every day I give thanks to God,
That I was born a man instead of a broad.
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV.
I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee.
I go to a barber not a beauty salon.
I don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw some more on.
I don’t wax my pubs so I can wear shorts.
I use my turn signal, I understand sports.
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons.
Don’t take any friends when I go to the john.
I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail,
I don’t buy a lot of shoes because they are on sale.
I don’t apply makeup in my rear view mirror.
I don’t think of Bambi when I’m hunting deer.
I drink beer from a bottle and not from a glass.
I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass.
I don’t face the pain of water weight gain.
I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date.
I don’t play with dolls….unless they inflate.
When someone asks my age, I never lie.
And after sex, my spot’s always dry.
I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazine.
I don’t mind if my date tries to get in my jeans.
I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie.
This is the same underwear I had on yesterday.
I don’t take the Pill,
I don’t use Massengil.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
I don’t go thru a phase,
Every 28 days.

Your last name stays the same your entire life.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Did I miss anything?